Long, long, long personal story.

Some of the most exciting events are not exactly highlights, however.

Here is a boring, personal story to share with you.

For a long time, especially since my miscarriage, I have wondered if I would have another baby in this life. This may seem so selfish, but I really have always wanted one more little girl…especially after my Temple experience where I was so strongly impressed that this was meant to be. But after the miscarriage, I decided to get a lot of diagnostics done, to see if there was an underlying cause for my poor health, besides Celiac Disease.

The two main things I learned about were:

• Idiopathic Hypersomnia (unknown, but pathological reason for constant fatigue—not just being overtired)
• Many food allergies: string bean, lentil, carrot, canteloupe, bell pepper, tomato, soybean, celery, pea, and sunflower seeds (removed them all from my diet and gradually I am supposed to add them in, one at a time, to watch for reactions to determine how seriously I need to avoid these foods)

So, I felt that in time, I could build up my strength, replenish my sleep-bank, figure which foods I am really allergic to, and eventually have that one last little daughter.

I have kept our baby things all this time…crib, carseat, toddler bed, tub, walker, bouncy-seat, and many boxes of clothing and linens, etc. As the time of Jeff’s uncertain employment became closer, I decided we needed to get rid of anything that we really aren’t using often enough to justify the expense of storing them (we rent a small storage unit, at a monthly rate). So, one Monday, after Jeff had left town for the week, I just went to our storage unit and filled the Suburban with baby furniture of all kinds. Some of it I donated to the Salvation Army, and others I just took to the dump (knowing that’s what Salvation Army would do with it if I donated it)—don’t worry, Mom and Dad, I kept the crib I picked out as a child! I got home and started going through the linens and baby clothes and toys. I sorted out a couple of boxes of stuff that I would be able to get rid of. However, it was all just so SAD! I just kept crying! I felt like I was making a selfless and brave sacrifice. Still, I knew that there was a couple who were one step away from being homeless and were expecting a baby, and another young couple who had very little money who were also expecting a baby, and I just kept thinking how much better it would be for them to have my things, instead of me paying to store them.

That was on Monday, March 31st.

On Tuesday, I didn’t get through much more of the stuff…it mostly was just in the way.

On Wednesday, April 2nd, I had an appointment in the afternoon. As was typical when Jeff is away, I got the kids off to school, and then laid back down until Matthew got up. When he woke up, it was late--like 11:00. So we had a very late breakfast. I was tired of being hungry, and not being able to eat everything that I wanted. My favorite gluten-free cereal was much more enjoyable and filling with trail mix on it, which I had been avoiding for a very long time, because of sunflower seeds being something I went off of due to my allergy testing. I decided it was time to add sunflower seeds back into my diet…it would help me get more full with my breakfast, and then I could mark it off of my chart of foods to avoid. I thoroughly enjoyed having trail mix on my cereal again! I was prepared to watch out for bloating, or an itchy mouth, or something similar, but everything seemed fine—hooray!

A couple of hours later, I hurried off to take Emma to a doctor’s appt. While I was rushing around, I just felt that I couldn’t get a good breath of air…so I did my inhaler twice and off we went. When we arrived, I STILL didn’t feel like I was breathing correctly, so I did another inhaler puff. After her appt, I asked her if we could run a couple of little shopping errands. By the time we got into the car, I decided I wasn’t up to it, and we’d better just go home; by the time we got to the first major intersection, I decided to turn in the direction of my Dr office, because of my breathing. By the time I got to the front desk, it was difficult to be understood. They told me to go directly to the ER…so I did. I had Emma and Matthew with me, and it was time for school to get out. Once we got to the ER, I told Emma she’d have to come in with me. She has a phobia regarding E-rooms, so she offered to walk home with Matthew. I let her do that, and I walked into the ER, where once I had explained a couple sentences of information, I was rushed back and given an epinephrine injection, and had about 5 nurses and a doctor all over me all at once. The sunflower seeds had sent me into anaphylactic shock.

I was breathing in the oxygen as deeply as I could, but I felt very calm. I laid back, and watched the ceiling…

FLASHBACK

In early March, before Jeff left for his extended trip to California, I had been concerned about my own mortality--having children does that to a mom, and I think I can safely say the effect is greater when that mom has children with obscure special needs. I had not expressed this specific concern with Jeff, but just that I was overwhelmed, and would he give me a blessing? In the blessing, I was very surprised to hear him say, “Your days are known, and shall not be numbered less. You still have many great and marvelous works to do, through small and simple means.” I just don’t know if any of you can understand the peace that brought to me (OK, Mom, I think you can understand).

FLASHFORWARD

So, as I lay in the ER, knowing my life was in danger, I remembered those words and I KNEW that my time was not up yet. I felt not a speck of fear, except that I was worried I wouldn’t be out of the ER in time to take Joseph to his Pinewood Derby, a fear that became reality, poor Joseph.

At one point, I became exceptionally dizzy, and I literally saw the floor rising to meet me (fortunately, we didn’t meet). My hands and feet started flapping a bit and I commented that it was “really weird”. Of course the doctor came rushing back in and after a moment or two he said I was having a panic attack. Knowing that it runs in our family, I was a bit disheartened to hear that, but I said, “This is a panic attack? How can it be a panic attack? I just really don’t think this is a panic attack…” He told me that he would be the doctor and I didn’t need to worry. The fact is, I was not at all, not in the slightest, panicked. I felt so calm throughout the entire thing that a panic attack seemed impossible. In the end, the doctor decided I was just super-hyper-ventilating because I was sucking in the oxygen so hard and fast. Once they put a paper bag over my face, I began to improve.

So…long story short…too late…

I called my friends and neighbors and they got Joseph to his Pinewood Derby, Jacob and Emma to YM/YW, and Elizabeth to “Faith in God” (used to be called Achievement Days) and all back home. My Landlady, Patty Henry took me home, stopping at a pharmacy on the way so I could get my new Epipen, and then later, she and her husband went to the ER parking lot to drive my Suburban home to me.

Once I was home, I just soaked it in that I could have died, but I didn’t; I was back home with my children. The next morning, I just prayed over and over that I was happy to be alive.

The following weekend, I took all the baby clothes I had and sorted out the ones that I absolutely had to keep for sentimental reasons…it was one small box’s worth. Anything girl under size 10, and anything boy under size 3 went to several families with children the correct genders and sizes. I packaged a box for the near-homeless couple, and another one for the other couple, each with a ton of newborn essentials: onesies, jammies, hand-covers, socks, burpcloths, blankets, towels, buntings, car-seat padding (the things to keep infants’ heads still, when the carseat is so-way-too-big for them at first). I even mended items to give them. All-told we gave away about 7 boxes of clothes. And I felt not one twinge of sadness…no selflessness…no sacrificing feeling…I was alive, and I was happy with that. I got to stay with the children I now have, instead of leaving them, and that was enough. I really do think that it is because I am meant to have the children I have and to be at peace. I do wonder about the little daughter I thought I would have in this life and all I can say is that it will either happen with great un-expectation in this life, OR with great expectation in the next life, and I am totally all right with that.

Photos of special clothes given away, R to L, top to bottom: FROM: 1-Debbie Fox to Jacob; 2-Marlene and Mom to Matthew; 3-Josie Condie to Jacob; 4-Crystal Mortensen and Mom (blanket) to Robert; 5-Areta Blake to Jacob; 6-Grandma Sally to Jacob; 7-Laura Trewartha to Joseph; 8-Marlene to Elizabeth and Emma; 9-Teresa Wright to Jacob

Long story…sorry. I now wear a medical necklace to inform strangers that if they were to find me unconscious, they should look in my purse, get my epipen, and use it (on me)!

FYI: I have been able to successfully add back to my diet: soybean, bell pepper, string bean, and tomato.